While still in the grips of this violent nausea I find myself thinking back to my first pregnancy with Maddie, trying to remember if my nausea continued as long as eighteen weeks the first time around. So many things have been similar between these two pregnancies, from the flu-like body aches in the evenings to the all-day nausea lasting beyond that of the hopeful second trimester goal post. In fact, everything from symptoms right on down to that “feeling” one gets inside lead me to guess Bean was a girl, which turned out to be correct. Although, I never actually vomited the first time around, an activity which has pretty much been my new hobby since around eight weeks.
Yet the biggest difference between my two pregnancies isn’t actually pregnancy related. I’m a happier, more fulfilled, more well-adjusted person than the Me of over four and a half years ago. Some of that change is circumstantial: at eighteen weeks with Maddie I was working in a job I hated, frantically looking for a place to buy before our baby’s arrival made out tiny one bedroom flat even tinier, half the flat was packed up into boxes thanks to a property we had secured but in the end fell through, and the UKBA office was indefinitely holding my passport thanks to a cock-up in my Indefinite Leave to Remain visa application. None of that, mind you, was anything close to the end of the world, but when you’re pregnant and irrational it can often seem to be, and it certainly caused a lot of unnecessary stress.
But it wasn’t all situational: I was an immature, angry individual back then. I didn’t know who I was, and I hated that about myself. After coming out of my PPD in the months following Maddie’s birth, I found myself. I’m not sure I know who that girl of five years ago is anymore, and that’s a good thing. Despite the similarities in pregnancies they actually couldn’t be more different, because we are in a different place in life and I am in a different place within myself. This time around there is only peace; peace and the unbridled excitement of looking forward to meeting this little lady, that our family is growing, and that everything is just about perfect.