Archive for the ‘University’ Category

My mother-in-law, who has been visiting with us for the last two months, cut and dyed my hair yesterday and I love it.  She must’ve cut off over four inches, a testament to the sacrificial mommy lifestyle, and probably the first I’ve had it cut at all in over a year.    Otherwise yesterday was a complete write-off.

I was disappointed in the grade I received on my quarter two assessment in Human Biology.  That’s not to say I received a bad grade, I got a 2:1 and still maintain a 2:1 in the course thus far, which is what I’m ultimately aiming to do (in the UK, a 2:1 is below a first, which is the highest).  But after talking to my friend Jen about it, she sent me a link to a post on dooce.com which really hit home about the blogger’s daughter and her perfectionism:

When you attempt something, you don’t want to be good at it. You want to be the best. This personality trait bares its fangs most noticeably when you practice piano. And here’s the thing: your skill level has far surpassed everything I know about reading music, so your father has to help you practice. Your father is very good at everything he tries, but he’s not a crazed fanatical overachiever like I am. Like you seem to be. So I’ve had to walk him through what goes on in your brain when you hit a wrong note or can’t hear a rhythm.

“Jon, that wrong note makes her think she’s going to end up homeless.”

“But that doesn’t make any sense,” he’ll say.

“True,” I concede. “But if you raise your voice while she’s in that spiral, not only will she end up homeless, she’ll end up homeless and then someone will steal her cardboard box.”

As hard as it is to explain, that’s where I go emotionally when I fall short of what I personally think I’m capable of: I’m going to end up homeless and someone will steal my cardboard box.  It isn’t logical, but any feedback that goes against my internal idea of me is a hard thing to swallow, and I feel as though I’m capable of better than even a 2:1.   I’m driven to do well at this, to be a great female role model to my daughter, to not end up jockeying a phone for a living the rest of my life.  I feel as though my goals are realistic (I read once only about 10% of majors in the hard sciences come out with firsts… so I feel 2:1 is more than reasonable) but I also feel the pressure of succeeding to the utmost degree so I can get into grad school when this ungrad is all said and done with.     I’ve never been challenged in this way academically before: my first excursion into university, despite the attempt at a double major, was fairly easy (she says, having been nineteen years old without a care in the world) and I was always on the Dean’s honor list.  This go around is… well… about a million times harder.

It’s been a hard couple of days overall, mostly due to the lack of sleep I’m getting as a result of Moo, who is eighteen months old mind you, waking multiple times in the night and we’re not sure why.  Couple that with getting up at five for work on Sunday,  working a full day, and consuming enough Redbull to bring down an elephant (I really must stop with the Redbull).  I was exhausted when I got home.

Then our boiler broke during the coldest weather we’ve had this year.  Fan-fucking-tastic.

I hate writing about my “problems” on my blog because it sounds incredibly shallow and, even in the throes of emotion, I am still a logical enough person to recognize I’m so very lucky my problems are first world, middle class problems.  I don’t have to worry about feeding my kid or barely scraping by, and we even have enough money in reserve to fix the damn boiler.  Yet it was an amalgamation of everything and, in the course of just a day, I felt like I lost my controlling hold on everything.  I felt spread thin in a way I’ve not yet felt: as though EVERYTHING I am doing can never amount to my best because I’m trying to do too much.  I went from feeling like I was sailing calm waters in a boat I built myself to feeling like I am barely keeping my head above water in just a twenty-four hour period.   And I was angry: angry that Mark had neglected a “blue job” (as opposed to “pink job”) of getting the boiler serviced before winter hit, and also angry at myself for becoming THAT woman I said I’d never be: the one who cannot, for example, even locate the electricity meter because “it’s something her husband deals with.”  Ugh.

I guess what it comes down to is I need a more realistic idea of me.    I’m not superhuman, nor am I perfect, nor will I achieve savant-level accomplishments academically, nor will I wake up one morning with the ability to fix my own boiler.  What I can do, what I am capable of, is trying my best at whatever it is I do: school, work, motherhood, life.    Sometimes, I wish this thought were enough.  Sometimes it’s not, but ultimately it has to be.

Got my course materials for Biological Psychology yesterday.  I won’t lie, I’m excited!

Register for a spring course – DONE!

January 1st and I get to cross one of my resolutions off: I’m registered for Biological Psychology, which starts next month.  The course will run to October, and I will have two courses until Human Biology finishes in June.  As I mentioned before I’m nervous about what that could mean in terms of workload, but come October I will have a third of my bachelors completed, hopefully keeping me on track to have this completed by the time I’m thirty.

 I was a psychology / sociology double major my first go round with university (which I didn’t complete) so I am quite keen to see this material from a biological perspective.  I’ve spent the last month in Human Biology on the brain; neurons to neurotransmitters, hormones and the endocrine system and I am finding the material interesting and enjoyable and I could see myself going down the route of neurobiology.  It’s something I change my mind on frequently as I discover more and more areas of biology that interest me (as of now that’s pretty much everything).

Workload worries aside I’m very excited to begin, not only this course but this year as a whole and all of the challenges lined up this year.  Day 1, book 1, pound 1, course 1, photo 1… it’s going to be an amazing year.

After reflection on the goals I had set myself for 2011 I knew I needed to make the goals this year quantifiable in order to really be able to say “yes, I did it!” With that in mind all of the goals below are either succeed or fail, and I plan on making a post one year from now boasting a full list of accomplishments for 2012! Last year was the first year I attempted having real New Years resolutions and they really worked for me, gave me something to try to “beat” and, in the process, I improved myself through improving my photography, my fitness, etc. When competition with others fail, competition with myself seems like a good alternative ^_^. I’ve not included anything that would really involve others such as Moo or Mark, because resolutions should be about striving to better one’s self, and for me that’s what these goals are about: finishing 2012 smarter, fitter, happier, and more well-rounded.

1. Photography:

• 15,000 photos taken - upping the goal from last year. I feel this is both reasonably attainable and will provide a good challenge.
• Project 365 - I’ve always wanted to do this but have failed / grown bored with it on previous occasions. I want to try and do as many of the photos as possible with my camera, but iPhone photos are okay in a pinch. Will be posted weekly to the blog.

This is one of those “I’ve been too busy to blog” blog posts.  November brought with it a new schedule for our family:  Mark moved Monday to Friday 9am-5pm, a move we’ve been eagerly anticipating for ages it seems. More sociable hours means dinners as a family and evenings together just as the dark winter begins to settle in.  But  as much as this change was wanted we are still in the adjustment period, fitting together our obligations and desires to spend time together as a family in new ways, trying to find the perfect combination to make it all work once more.  My work schedule was moved, as a result of mark’s change, to Saturday- Sunday, which many would object to but I find I am enjoying.  It’s quiet in the office at the weekends, peaceful, and I can actually hear myself think.

After spending several hours a night all week this week on my quarter one assessment, I finally turned it in last night after finally finishing up the last bit: an essay on protein absorption and reassembly.  I submitted the assessment and had a mini panic attack it wasn’t going to be good enough, that somehow I didn’t work hard enough or that my best wasn’t going to cut it.  Jitters that, in all likelihood, are unnecessary now looking back with the level head the next day provides.  I’m sure I did great, but I am anxious for it to be marked and returned to me.

What little free time I’ve had lately I’ve not been spending it on “teh internetz,”  opting instead for snuggling under a blanket on the couch and reading (I’ve just begun my 27th book of the year!) or playing The Elder Scrolls V:  Skyrim.   Skyrim, by the way, is everything I’d hoped it would be and more: the world is graphically superior to anything I’ve ever seen, and the storyline is far more engaging than that of it’s predecessor, Oblivion. No matter how busy things get, or how stressful, I always save Moo’s naptime for ME time.  She’ll nap for a solid hour and a half in the early afternoon, and I’ll sit back with a wonderful cup of coffee and a moment of quiet solitude, and enjoy a little bit of time to myself to read or, lately, play a game like Skyrim.  I get to unwind mid-afternoon, decompress, and recharge so that I’m ready to tackle the rest of the day.

I find it so hard to grasp how fast the time is going, that Moo is nearly 16 months old and changing more each day.  She was such a good baby at her first wedding this past week as we celebrated Sarah and Daniel’s special day.   She’s been good as gold being carted all around town this week as we finish our Christmas shopping and prepare for our Americans in the UK Thanksgiving dinner.  And later in the week she will have her first experience in helping us trim the Christmas tree, which I am so looking forward to.

I’m starting to realize I cannot do EVERYTHING. I cleaned the bathroom the other night at almost 10pm because I knew if I didn’t it would haunt my dreams.   I cannot fill Moo’s every waking moment with enriching games or activities.  I CAN maintain a two week lead on my course work, but I CANNOT expect to be months ahead.  I will never have a spotless house that lasts for more than a few minutes.  What I CAN do is my best.  And I am starting to realize that that is good enough.