Or so my study guide is titled.  As I sit here, pouring over the study material between the handbook and the practice test questions on CD rom, I find myself torn between my desire to live uninterrupted with my husband and the extreme indignation I feel over having to answer questions that the majority of Britain’s own could not answer.  Sadly, that last bit isn’t even an estimation.  According to howbritishareyou.com, out of a test pool of more than 10,000 home grown british citizens, only 14% could pass the test.  So much for “England for the English.”  I’ve heard it argued time and tme again that if we, as immigrants, want to live in a country such as the UK then we should be willing to learn about and embrace British culture… which would be a valid point… if it wasn’t for the fact that the so called “Life in the UK” exam wasn’t a misnomer in and of itsself.    You see, this material has very little to do with embracing the British culture and everything to do with rote memorization of worthless facts and census figures that will be quickly forgotten the second it is all over.

Allow me to show you what I am looking at:

Oh go on then, if you’re British why not have a crack at it, eh?  Oh… what’s that?  You mean… you’re British and you don’t have any clue what percentage of your own population is of Pakistani descent?  Well how about trying this next one on for size:

Ambiguity AND more useless statistcs from the year 2005!

Ok, enough with statistics…. you know about you’re own holidays, right?

If you said B) Private Declarations of Love… the  kind over romantic candlelit dinners, in soft dark rooms, beneath bedsheets… you’d be ABSOLUTELY WRONG!  The answer is actually “Cards and gifts.”  Nothing like a little trickery to get you closer to failing, eh?

On to hobbies:

The correct answer here being swimming.  Boy, I had no idea not a single person on this entire island took up swimming for a hobby!  Haven’t the Brits heard of indoor swimming pools?

Last one, and I saved the best for last:

How many refugees did Britain admit from South East Asia?  In this screenshot, the correct answer is selected:  22,000.  Now you may be saying “how is this anything more than the other statistical, worthless, bullshit questions?  Well, have a look at the picture I took of the Home Office’s OFFICIAL STUDY GUIDE:

If you can’t read it, thats ok… I will quote the last line for you: “Since 1979 more than 25,000 refugees from South East Asia have been allowed to settle in the UK.” But wait a second!! The CD Rom practice test, which is LICENCED BY THE HOME OFFICE, says the correct answer is 22,000! And yet the study guide says more than 25,000.

I think I have made my point.

I guess if one really thinks about it logically, these sort of things are just plain designed to make people fail.  After all, in a country that is even more embittered by immigration than a backwoods cowboy deep in the heart o’ Texas, who needs thousands of immigrants passing an easy test?  Why not throw in worthless statistics and even false information, so long as they fail?   So many immigrants come from 3rd world countries, grateful for asylum and happy to be taking the test, if it means being able to stay and make a better life for themselves…

But I am not from those countries.  I am American, and quite frankly I am of the opinion that if we kicked your ass in any war, that gives us a free pass to your soil and all contained therein.  English is my native language, and balls-to-the-wall audacity is my second nature. And the trickery that goes into these questions isn’t escaping me. And I don’t feel even an ounce of gratitude to be taking such tripe this country calls a “citizenship” test… not when the “citizens” fail it miserably.    The Home Office can be expecting a phone call from me this week… and it ain’t going to be pretty.

Oh and one more thing…..

I CAN PASS MY

OWN FUCKING TEST!

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Posted Life in the UK |