My mother-in-law, who has been visiting with us for the last two months, cut and dyed my hair yesterday and I love it.  She must’ve cut off over four inches, a testament to the sacrificial mommy lifestyle, and probably the first I’ve had it cut at all in over a year.    Otherwise yesterday was a complete write-off.

I was disappointed in the grade I received on my quarter two assessment in Human Biology.  That’s not to say I received a bad grade, I got a 2:1 and still maintain a 2:1 in the course thus far, which is what I’m ultimately aiming to do (in the UK, a 2:1 is below a first, which is the highest).  But after talking to my friend Jen about it, she sent me a link to a post on dooce.com which really hit home about the blogger’s daughter and her perfectionism:

When you attempt something, you don’t want to be good at it. You want to be the best. This personality trait bares its fangs most noticeably when you practice piano. And here’s the thing: your skill level has far surpassed everything I know about reading music, so your father has to help you practice. Your father is very good at everything he tries, but he’s not a crazed fanatical overachiever like I am. Like you seem to be. So I’ve had to walk him through what goes on in your brain when you hit a wrong note or can’t hear a rhythm.

“Jon, that wrong note makes her think she’s going to end up homeless.”

“But that doesn’t make any sense,” he’ll say.

“True,” I concede. “But if you raise your voice while she’s in that spiral, not only will she end up homeless, she’ll end up homeless and then someone will steal her cardboard box.”

As hard as it is to explain, that’s where I go emotionally when I fall short of what I personally think I’m capable of: I’m going to end up homeless and someone will steal my cardboard box.  It isn’t logical, but any feedback that goes against my internal idea of me is a hard thing to swallow, and I feel as though I’m capable of better than even a 2:1.   I’m driven to do well at this, to be a great female role model to my daughter, to not end up jockeying a phone for a living the rest of my life.  I feel as though my goals are realistic (I read once only about 10% of majors in the hard sciences come out with firsts… so I feel 2:1 is more than reasonable) but I also feel the pressure of succeeding to the utmost degree so I can get into grad school when this ungrad is all said and done with.     I’ve never been challenged in this way academically before: my first excursion into university, despite the attempt at a double major, was fairly easy (she says, having been nineteen years old without a care in the world) and I was always on the Dean’s honor list.  This go around is… well… about a million times harder.

It’s been a hard couple of days overall, mostly due to the lack of sleep I’m getting as a result of Moo, who is eighteen months old mind you, waking multiple times in the night and we’re not sure why.  Couple that with getting up at five for work on Sunday,  working a full day, and consuming enough Redbull to bring down an elephant (I really must stop with the Redbull).  I was exhausted when I got home.

Then our boiler broke during the coldest weather we’ve had this year.  Fan-fucking-tastic.

I hate writing about my “problems” on my blog because it sounds incredibly shallow and, even in the throes of emotion, I am still a logical enough person to recognize I’m so very lucky my problems are first world, middle class problems.  I don’t have to worry about feeding my kid or barely scraping by, and we even have enough money in reserve to fix the damn boiler.  Yet it was an amalgamation of everything and, in the course of just a day, I felt like I lost my controlling hold on everything.  I felt spread thin in a way I’ve not yet felt: as though EVERYTHING I am doing can never amount to my best because I’m trying to do too much.  I went from feeling like I was sailing calm waters in a boat I built myself to feeling like I am barely keeping my head above water in just a twenty-four hour period.   And I was angry: angry that Mark had neglected a “blue job” (as opposed to “pink job”) of getting the boiler serviced before winter hit, and also angry at myself for becoming THAT woman I said I’d never be: the one who cannot, for example, even locate the electricity meter because “it’s something her husband deals with.”  Ugh.

I guess what it comes down to is I need a more realistic idea of me.    I’m not superhuman, nor am I perfect, nor will I achieve savant-level accomplishments academically, nor will I wake up one morning with the ability to fix my own boiler.  What I can do, what I am capable of, is trying my best at whatever it is I do: school, work, motherhood, life.    Sometimes, I wish this thought were enough.  Sometimes it’s not, but ultimately it has to be.

- The weather took a 20 degree dive this week,  so we got out the extra warm clothes and bundled up together. Cuz baby, it’s cold outside.

- The hubby and I went to Toys R Us for a baby shower gift and walked out with his and her NERF guns.

- This week the flu that had infected my husband and daughter the previous weeks hit me like a ton of bricks.   Mark took care of me, took over Moo duties, made me soup every day and even did the dishes ^_^

- Moo and Ellie playing.

- The camera (my 2nd child) sitting on my lap as we drive into the country for another adventure.

- The weekly ritual of coffee at Starbucks on a Saturday afternoon with my friend Alicja.

- Yummy hot chocolate with extra marshmallows, it’s practically a cold weather requirement.

Linking up:  http://naptimemomtog.com/ -  http://www.theboyandme.co.uk/ - http://www.betweenthelinesblog.net/

There is something incredibly hot about a man who, after spending the entire day at work, still comes home and gets on his hands and knees in a suit to play with his daughter.  Reason #339487 why I love this man.

Have you ever been so busy you’ve forgotten an anniversary?  I have.  Yesterday it dawned on me that, as of  just two weeks ago, I have been living in the UK  for four years.  Four years. Wow.

Reflecting on another year gone by reminds me just how much I’ve grown as a person since arriving.  The first few years here in the UK were incredibly hard on me: one day on an incredible high, living for the adventure, and the next in a depression over having left everything familiar to me, everything I love, behind.  There were days where I couldn’t imagine my luck: I am living here, in the UK, in Europe, on the other side of the planet… and days where I downright hated everything about this country.  Life went on like this for a long time.

This would be the part where I share the secret in adjusting, where I tell other expats how I did it and how they can do it too… but unfortunately such advice does not exist.  I’ve mused on adjustment and what it means many times, and if I’ve discovered anything at all about how to adjust it’s this: it’s an incredibly personal journey, one that takes place within you and not over the thousands of miles you’ve traveled, and it will be the longest trek yet.  Then one day it clicks in place, the difficulty of adjustment peaks, and your views of your life in a foreign land shift ever so discretely… until one day you wake up and realize that, if not for the distance between you and your loved ones, you could comfortably settle into the idea of never moving back.  Ever.

The shift happened for me when I overcame my postpartum depression.  All at once I began to settle in to everything: motherhood, life in the UK, and  out of that came a better, more positive attitude.  That was a year ago, and with each passing day since I’ve become more positive, better adjusted, and more and more enthusiastic for making each and every day count… no matter where I call “home.”

This morning I awoke before Moo, oddly enough, and watched the sun rise.  I stood with my arms resting on the sill of one of our loft room’s velux windows, letting the crisp, freezing air wash over me as I watched the sun come up over the rooftops and chimney bricks, thinking to myself “four years.”  I couldn’t help but muse on how “European” my view from the loft was, or how much I really like the sound of the seagulls, or how pleasant it is to have the smell of salt from the sea permeating the flat, especially come the summer months when our windows remain permanently open.   I felt peace in a way I haven’t felt in a while, it made everything seem small and in control: I can handle my now larger courseload for university, I can achieve my goals and resolutions, I can do it all and I can do anything I put my mind to…. because I’ve already moved mountains to be here, in this singular moment, watching the sun rise and living in the UK with my British husband and our little half-n-half daughter.  I came, I saw, I adjusted.  Everything else is cake.

Share on Facebook ]]> http://www.awesomeville.co.uk/index.php/archives/how-time-flies-or-four-years-wow/feed 2 http://www.awesomeville.co.uk/index.php/archives/sax http://www.awesomeville.co.uk/index.php/archives/sax#comments Thu, 02 Feb 2012 04:00:14 +0000 Nicky http://www.awesomeville.co.uk/?p=5423

Linking up with You Capture - This or That Thursday - Shoot. Edit. Submit.

Seen something you like on Awesomeville?  It may be available for purchase.   Check out the brand new Print Shop page (permalink in the menu at the top) and have a browse of some of my selected photos which I’m selling, available on any medium and up to 20″ x 30″ in size (for most).

Whilst I’ve come to the conclusion I’m no longer interested in taking photos of strangers as a business venture, I DO like the prospect of selling art for art’s sake.  I didn’t want to open an Etsy shop or anything I had to maintain regularly, so I went with a far more casual approach of simply having a page on my site.  And hey, it’s a great way of showing off some of my shots as well!

Please contact me with any questions regarding prints, or to query a photo you may have liked but isn’t on the print page.

So each month last year I did these round-up posts as a means of keeping track of and staying motivated on goals I set out to achieve as well as mention little things that may not have made it into a blog entry.  This year I’m doing the same, as it was (and still is!) a great way to track my progress for my resolutions.

I’m surprised I got as much completed as I did to be honest, as things around the Doodle household have been busy since… well since… I don’t know, Thanksgiving last year? Ha!  With the holidays having been a blur and family coming in and out of town (Mark’s mum and my dad have both stayed with us this month) schedules and routines have been out the window, and I’ve resigned myself to rolling with the punches and getting everything back on track in February when things settle down again… or will they?  My new course, Biological Psychology, starts this week and will run alongside my existing Human Biology course.  I’ve dropped Insanity this month in favor of starting over again on Day 1 in February as I was missing too many days in the schedule due to the busy holiday season, but luckily I’ve been watching my weight in the meantime and still losing (despite many a binge on delicious holiday treats).  I am DETERMINED to hit that goal weight and body this year, all the hard work put in since August 2010 is paying off, and I’m in the home stretch.

Also, Awesomeville is just 9 “likes” away from 100!  Have you “liked” Awesomeville yet?  If not, you’re missing out on getting Awesomeville updates direct to your Facebook feed! The “like” box is just over there, on the right.

Resolutions 2012:

• -Pictures taken:  1,797 (1,797 / 15,000)
• -Books read:  4  (4 / 30) 
  • A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking
  • Letter to a Christian Nation by Sam Harris
  • Life and Laughing: My Story by Michael McIntyre
  • Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro
• -Pounds lost:  2.6 lbs ( 2.6 / 30)
• -Home improvements: 1 (1 /6)
  • Living room decor.
• -Register for a spring course: DONE!  Biological Psychology starts this week and I am very excited to explore the material, just hoping two courses won’t be the death of me.

More awesomeness from January:

Shepherd’s delight.

Linking with Show {off} Your Shot - Sweet Shot Tuesday - Communal Global – Tuesday Tips and Pics - Photography Link Up

- Kindle + coffee + naptime = bliss.  Reading The Elegant Universe: Superstrings, Hidden Dimensions, and the Quest for the Ultimate Theory by Brian Greene.

- I’m beginning to see that wooden toys are far superior to their plastic one-hit-wonder counterparts.

- With the holidays over I finally picked up where I left off with Preacher, a comic series by Garth Ennis.

- Found my hubby’s old saxophone this week, polished it up and put it in the living room ^_^

- Pasta shells. I love making Moo’s lunches up in big batches. This week: chicken and broccoli pasta in a white Alfredo sauce.

- Got Milk?  Moo discovered a love for cow’s milk this week… finally!

- Red sky at night …. sunset over sheep.

Linking up:  http://naptimemomtog.com/ -  http://www.theboyandme.co.uk/ - http://www.betweenthelinesblog.net/

My husband used to play the saxophone, did I ever tell you that?  He picked it up as a teen thinking he’d learn to play sexy tunes so all the girls he fancied would dance provocatively around him (joke a la Eddie Izzard).  This didn’t happen.  Instead, fifteen years on his wife digs it out of storage, polishes it, and puts it on the shelf in the living room.   I love its beautiful contours and intricate parts, and I love how it fits in with the canvas art I made a few weeks ago.  I myself never learned an instrument, after being told at nine that my recorder playing was “wrong” and that I “probably wasn’t cut out for music.”   I had a wild idea that I would LEARN how to play this sax that lasted for about 24 hours before I came to my senses and realized I do not have that kind of free time. At least, not without giving up games or reading or something.

Much like the creep of holidays into earlier and earlier territory each year, so follows the so called “spring” cleaning.   This year I started with my laptop: clearing off programs, deleting copies of copies of copies I seem to build up out of nowhere, and organizing all of my photos into a more comprehensive system.  I even deleted a 30GB sized folder full of nothing but funny images I found online.  What?

(via)

I didn’t even look in it, just threw it out.   Ran the disk defragmenter, opened the laptop itself and gave it a good cleaning with the can of compressed air.  Runs beautifully again, and I’ve never had it this organized. I also rolled out a new blog layout.  Spiffy, huh?

I’m excited that spring-cleaning-in-winter this year includes painting and decorating the bedroom, as it’s been completely neglected as we slowly improve upon the other rooms in the flat.  The bedroom still looks as it did when we moved in, right down to the bare bulb dangling unceremoniously from the ceiling.   I’ve got a lot of ideas, and it’s going to be fun.  I’m feeling productive at the moment, inspired, and I’m ready to begin: home improvements, my next course, the rest of the year.

 Perhaps winter is a better time for our cleaning anyways, spring is for fun.